Thursday, May 19, 2016

redundant musings on change

It's so overdone, talking about change and resistance. Charlie Brown's teacher is probably what we all hear anymore. Yes, it's hard. Yes, we resist it. Of course we don't like it - it threatens consistency and our biology says consistency = predictable = survival.

And for all of how common this knowledge has become, the hardcore resistance is a fascination for me. 

It's common knowledge how and why we fight change. I have been through enough of disruptive and brain-rewiring change to also know the opposite of change is stagnation and stagnation is suffocating. And for all that, it will still create an internal wobble and wobbles make me think.

Woke up wondering today about change and connections. The Buddhists say the source of all dis-ease is our connection; specifically our connection to the past and to hope. The first time I read that, I was offended. Hope? I like hope. We talk about hope being essential, we laud hope, hope against all odds, and we find the hopeless to be lost and destitute souls.

Here though, hope means the future. So our connection to the past and our connection to the future is what screws with us. The way we write the story of the past and how the future pulls us out of being present for today - that screws with us, or it can.

And I find that as much as I will lean into change, and as much as I want to see what lives in the uncharted territories (because I want to find those dragons and figure out how to play with them) - internally, I wobble in the face of deep change.

Today at least, I realize it is because of my connections. Connection to people. I have several adult decades under my belt and with those years I have names who are now a part of my past. Friendships that were situational -work etc. and as the situations changed the friendships drifted. Friends that are no longer friends because the connection was damaging. Friends I miss because the gods deemed it no longer necessary for them to walk among us. Friends I have known for over 30 years and they are still part of my connections.

Every once in a while I am damned lucky with who I get to count as connections and somehow manage to fall in with a group of people with whom I am the shallow swimmer. Over the last 5 years I have been tumbling into deeper and deeper water. Treading to keep my head clear and watching others effortlessly breach the waves. Smart, talented, experienced, insightful people. And when I look at change I realize the upheaval transformation creates also has the energy to reorder the people-connections.

And I have to be okay with that. My connection to my past -or how I write the story, helps. I know loss is survivable and brings depth. I know longevity brings a type of peace in relationship and I know disruption creates possibility.

With that settled - ego volo luder in dracones


  1. I really enjoy your writing....though I'm disgusted at how coherent you are at 5:38 in the morning to post this! :-). A philosophy I have indoctrinated myself in over the past several years includes the essence of "change is growth" and "hope is not an action plan". These concepts have changed my life. I love hearing about your wobbles and knowing that I'm not the only one!

    1. It looks as though, I'm wrong. My post save 7:54, but it was really 10:54. I retract my comment about your early morning coherence!

    2. I thought about letting you assume I was that cogent at 5 something am but at that time of day if I'm conscious I'm just ill-mannered at best : ).