the drift

Humans are not a hive, you do not share a hive mind. When it comes to agency and personal authority, it isn’t enough for you to know you have power and that you are biologically wired to seek, authenticate, and express your power. You must also understand that your monkey brain’s tremendous influence to keep you plugged into a tribe also has the potential to brainwash you into believing you are only as powerful as your tribe.  

This is a lie. It is a convenient lie. Convenient for your tribe, and convenient for your comfort and the basic human tendency towards doing the minimal amount of work in life to maintain that comfort. It is, nonetheless, a lie. We can and do figure this out. Sometimes. There is a ridiculous amount of the opposite going on right now. Although the hive-mind drift isn't probably any more prolific now v. other periods in our recent social milieu, it is perhaps more evident because of the violent nature of its current expression.

When we let ourselves be influenced by the hive-mind drift we are succumbing to an intrapsychic version of domestic violence. This is how it works: 

The aspect of your nature driven and created for independent thinking, creativity and decision-making periodically expresses its independence. The monkey brain is watching. As long as the human expression of power doesn’t disturb the bees in the hive, all is well. When the hive starts to agitate in response, the monkey is going to start punishing. The human expression of power submits, retreats, and there is a tentative truce masquerading as peace. For a while. But because we are wired to seek power, after a while, the cycle begins again.  

This should feel a little crazy. 

It is. 

Understanding and accepting the purpose of the monkey brain is critical here. It isn’t bad or evil. It is important and can be beautiful. It is what allows us to feel the intense warmth, beauty and security of deep relationship. It is the source of profound joy when our children reach a dream. It allows us to pull together with people who otherwise appall our sensitivities so we can collectively house, clothe and feed one another after devastating natural disasters.The monkey wants us to plug in. Our ability to think like everyone around us is what keeps people alive when trucks smash through crowds and when tornadoes the size of the gods rip through towns.

Know the monkey brain’s purpose in your community and in your family. Understand the monkey brain’s strengths. Get intimately familiar with its limitations. 

Ignore this and your tendency toward tribal comfort will mirror the escalating cycle of domestic violence. Eventually the abusing partner destroys the target of the abuse. Emotionally, psychologically, physically. Domestic violence ends in death. 

If you want to live from your natural capacity as an individual capable of independent, creative power and impact you will be required to do what she is required to do. You will have to risk everything. You will have to unplug from the hive and go it alone. There is no other option. What you will find out there is the ability to feel even more connected. Your monkey will be happier because healthy relationships thrive when the power differential isn’t constantly contested and your monkey wants - needs - to belong. You will be part of your tribe without the internal violence of your monkey brain beating your power into submission. And you just might be able to solve problems like we seem to be facing right now.

Seriously.

there's someone I want to talk to

Somewhere there's this guy, he is in his mid-late twenties. He has black hair and fair skin. I know his last name but not his first and I can't shake this question I have. I want to ask him...what do you say about this?

The this is what's happening - open season, intentional open season on law enforcement. I'm thinking about this young man because I remember watching him, innocent and confused in his mother's arms at a fundraising auction for his benefit a year after his dad was executed.

I know the dad's first name if I don't know the son's first name. The dad worked with my husband. He was a motors officer who responded to a call from a concerned neighbor about something odd. There was no concerned neighbor. It was a planned ambush execution for anyone wearing a badge.

The details of the plan are irrelevant beyond the fact that like Dallas, and maybe like St. Louis...they worked. Les responded to the call. He paid for his job, his badge and his responsibility with his life.

A year or so after his execution, our department pulled together and hosted an auction to raise money for his widow and this black-haired toddler. Les' widow was bright and smiling and thankful and it was a happy atmosphere of support and community that I couldn't really get into. It was a long time ago but all I remember from that night was watching this little boy.

And I remember him now and I wonder. What are your thoughts right now? You know what this is. You have lived this. It is, in some ways, the backdrop of you childhood. Growing up without Les because someone decided it was open season, little-black-haired boy all grown up, you may be one of the few people who actually has a valid voice. You had and still have, a front row seat.

Do you have littles of your own now? What do you tell your kids about their grandfather? What do you tell them now? Do you hate cops because the profession stole your father? Do you hold them as heroes on a pedestal? Are you raging right now? Or is it a stoic the risk comes with the badge kind of thing?

Did you even make it? I wonder about that question too. His mom looked like she was adjusting and doing well. But that was an act, a necessary public face. Maybe this little boy grew up in chaos born of trauma and grief and maybe he tapped out and there's a headstone with his name on it too.

It's my assumption born of want that Les' son is a decently adjusted twenty something man with a front row seat. What happened in that neighborhood over 25 years ago is happening now in Dallas, St. Louis...I want this young man to be decently adjusted because it makes me feel better. If he made it, and he has a good life it's a small win.

I don't know what happened to Les' little boy and however that story has evolved, I can't do anything about it whether I like it's progression or not. Neither can you. But we can be present now. We can acknowledge our agency and our accountability and our capacity to act and our remarkable tendency to sleep through life until shit like this acts as our alarm. And then the next wondering hits me...along with that stunning capacity to sleep through our lives we are equally capable of hitting the snooze when the alarm sounds. Ignoring it. Hoping it will go away and take the day's reality with it.

That never ends well.

need a new log-in

Before all the IT security people lose their shit, I am not publishing anything that could compromise any of my accounts, take a breath.

Over the last 5 years I have used log-in names etc. to reflect the next goal in my Krav Maga journey. It started when I went for my Instructor certification and Graduate Level 1 rank (number 6 in our system). It started because the internal conversation was snorting. You know, that laugh that is so spontaneous it's out before you can censor it? The one that blows milk out your nose because well, what you just heard is stupid ridiculous? That one.

To combat the milk activating laughter in my head, I made my log-in reflect the goal. Like "instructorkm1" ...no IT peeps, that wasn't it -just an example.

It became a talisman for me. Instead of eyeing a finish line in a marathon, the log-ins reminded me of what was next, even when I was snorting milk out my nose.

For the last year, the info has reflected a goal I was certain was impossible. Krav Maga Global's Expert 1 certification. If you are a belt rank person, this is test number 11 and up until recently in the U.S. there have been 2 women with that one checked off. Inexplicably, I made the number 3 last month in Israel.

The goal isn't all that impossible if you have the necessary prerequisites. Things like lots of years of training (in contrast to my 5). Putting in several hours a week in preparation for the test (which for many reasons *cough* excuses, I didn't). Not being over 50 and not being a smaller than average human. Younger, stronger, more experienced and physically fit-er practitioners would not see the E1 as a steep mountain climb. For me though, it looked like a good opportunity for the milk-nose experience.

When Expert Camp started in Israel, the pregnant question was "are you testing?" My answer was honest: I'll give it a shot. I knew I would get valuable feedback from the experience and I wasn't up to par, I would have another chance in the U.S. later this year. The honesty of the answer struck people as odd. People tend not to test unless they're damn sure they can pass. Failing is like a scarlet letter.

I don't relate to it that way. Yes, of course passing is the goal and yeah - it feels great. NOT passing isn't the kiss of death though, the deepest lessons and biggest jumps in my skills have come from the places where I fell (literally and figuratively).

The test was no joke. In my testing group there were 6 people. One not yet eligible and testing for feedback, 5 testing for real. Two of us passed. My monkey brain is very happy. It feels good. And it feels...well...yeah, still looking for the word. What do I use for a log-in now? There are more E Levels I can go for but I'm not eligible for another 2 years. And that really isn't the point anyway. Those look attainable now.

The world shifts. Reality rewrites itself when the impossible becomes part of the daily 'sure, I can do that' conversation in my head. The nose-milk relationship is gone. I suppose moving into this territory could look like a good place to settle down. Like the westward expansionist settlers who breached the rocky mountains...alive. Done. Good enough. Build a cabin.

But....something happens when you land in new territory. We can enjoy the terrain instead of finding it daunting and insurmountable. And then, then we get to find new. New realities. Deeper contact with what it means to be human and what it doesn't mean. I don't know what the next log-in will reflect. Not yet, anyway. So for now, it can be a question.

free to move about the cabin

Well, here we are. The Fourth of July weekend in the U.S. - full of sentiment, BBQ, Beer, and fireworks. We toss the word Freedom around and once in a while "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" shows up too.

Most of the time, mincing words annoys me. It shows up in debates as a way to control the debate and dominate, derail and generally disguise an intense need to be right over actually engaging in something that could be defined as a dialogue.

Maybe that's me at the moment. Mincing words.

Freedom and Liberty aren't the same thing. That much, wordsmiths agree on. Which definition goes with which word though, that seems up for debate.

Option 1

Freedom is a state of being capable of making decisions without external control.
Liberty, on the other hand, is  freedom which has been granted to a people by an external control.

Option 2

Liberty is an internal state reflecting an existential relationship with your capacity for agency.
Freedom indicates lack of physical constraint. Example? Spent a lot of time on a plane the last month..."you are now free to move about the cabin" - shuck the seat belt sister you have our permission to climb out of the little cage called your seat.

Because it makes my life easier at the moment, I'm going with Option 2.

Fourth of July celebrations are about both. But...

There's a sneaky little saboteur to your freedom and/or your liberty: scripts. While your tossing about the sparklers, have you thought much about your own thinking? What you believe? How did you come to believe it? If you haven't looked at all the things you believe, all the ideas you hold as truths, then how do you know if you have really chosen those thoughts/beliefs?

Simple test: how do you feel about "being on time"? Why? Where did that belief come from? If you think it's important...why? and how did you decide that it was important? Do you think people who are late are...what...rude? disorganized? inconsiderate? attention-seeking?  Hmmm. What if someone is late because their life is in havoc, or they were anxious about meeting you, or their kid bloodied a knee, or some smart-ass tried to own the road and caused a wreck right in front of them?

Sure, the cell phone belays the excuse of not letting you know - but (there's that word again), what do you believe about it? Do you choose that belief? Or was it chosen for you?

The more conscious we get about our scripts the more our ability to choose or reject them shifts from a hollographic possibility to concrete reality. The more scripts we consciously acknowledge, choose or reject, the more liberty and freedom we can actually claim.

This is no small thing and it seems to be remarkably absent in the masses across the U.S. at the moment when it comes to the decisions we are making about our freedoms and liberties.  Like the flight attendant's instructions to tighten my safety belt in turbulence, we seem to have cinched in on our willingness to think.

You are now free to move about your mind. Please do.

can women really defend themselves?

This morning over coffee my spouse is on Drudge and shares this story with me. The link is here so you can follow it yourself if you like. Article Link.

In Colorado a mom hears screams from the front yard where her kids are playing. Races out of the house to find a mountain lion:

"she found the cougar on top of her son, the Pitkin County Sheriff's Office said. The woman "was able to physically remove her son from the mountain lion" and the boy's father called 911 as he drove his son to hospital, the sheriff added."...quoted from the article

Later in the article " Sheriff's deputies and a law enforcement officer from the U.S. Forest Service found the mountain lion in the front yard of the residence and put it down, the sheriff said."

Let's look at what is NOT said. She physically removed her son (who lives by the way). Authorities find the animal still in their front yard after they leave for the hospital and put it down (i.e., they shoot it). It's always a sad moment for me when a beautiful creature like this is doing what it is designed to do and it's nature crosses paths with a human. Like the Gorilla and the little boy at the zoo....neither creature is vicious or evil, anyway that's a different rabbit trail.

So, "physically removed her son" and then the mountain lion is still hanging around in the front yard...doing the math? This mamma fucked up that mountain lion. As a mom, I'm pretty sure she didn't pause at those screams...hmmm, I wonder what could be happening? I will look out the window first...oh dear...let's make a plan. Honey? Where's the shotgun?

Nope. Not what happened. I have heard hurt and panicked sounds from my kids when they were little. It hits a deep, lizard brain place and you just move. 

This lizard brain is, in it's own way, a tactical genius. It doesn't use higher level thought process, in fact, it's mostly a pre-verbal thing. If this mamma had been a lion tamer, an exotic animal veterinarian, or any other profession in which she was well-studied in Mountain Lion, we might say oh, there you have it, she knew the animal's weakness. I'm pretty sure Rueters would have shared that tidbit as it's just a wee bit important.

Think about it. This average adult human female took on a mountain lion to save her tiny human and.she.won.

The next time I hear any female tell me she's "too...(anything)" to be able to learn physical self-defense, I am showing her this story. Because here's the thing girls, we are hard-wired for it. Just imagine what you can do with all that instinctual tactical capability if we put a little training behind it?

And the next time a guy asks me "do you really think a woman can defend herself against a man?" He's getting this article as my answer. If she can fuck up a mountain lion, with the right motivation the human male is child's play.

The Walking Dead 2.0

The Walking Dead usually means Zombies. Dead, decaying humans come back to life with one purpose, eat brains and make more Zombies. I guess. I'm not a Zombie aficionado.

There's another version of Zombie. They're much harder to spot. They aren't gray and awkward and they don't gnash teeth or move crazy-fast or anything else Hollywood has designed.

These zombies are more subtle and consist of human beings desperately mangled by an intense commitment to the actuality of their own assumptions.  If you drink your own Koolaid you are the walking dead. Here's why:

1. Buy your own assumptions and you lose the possibility of growth. Humans are growing/moving/changing or they are decaying. You won't be curious. You won't ask questions. You won't try anything new. What's more, eventually your lack of curiosity will be seen by someone as combative and pick the wrong day/wrong person and your perceived combative attitude could escalate into a physical confrontation. If that never happens? You're still not much more than an ambulatory corpse.

2. Believe your world view is the sum total of universal truth and you are going to consistently violate the territorial rules of other tribes. You are going to offend the protocols, violate territorial boundaries and step on someone's status. Friends, the family of your partner or spouse, colleagues...eventually you will piss off just about everyone and you will be categorically alone. Humans are not designed to function well in isolation. Biologically, we don't survive long enough to reproduce if we are doing it all by ourselves. Take this up a notch and the entrenched assumptive reality might just piss off someone just like you but with a different assumptive reality and someone's going to break bad.

3. You won't see it coming. Another way to apply the phrase Walking Dead (maybe more accurate to say Dead Man Walking, but it doesn't play as well),  if you have a specific set of assumptions about who can-will-might successfully ambush you, you won't see it coming. Flip it around and you might set hooks for a physical encounter and be damned surprised by the firepower your assumptions dismissed.

Number three may need some explanation.  A couple of weeks ago we had a new guy walk through the doors of our training center. He is looking for a place to "keep the rust off" - career operator. A little bit of ego around the edges but overall a decent guy. And a big guy. Over 6 feet and pushing 250. He shows up for a class taught by one of my female instructors. AM is maybe 5'2'' on  a good day and barely breaks 100 pounds. He struggled through the whole class. Finally, he looks at her and says "but you are so small!" Her answer was awesome. "Yup, and I'm probably not getting any bigger".

In his world, dangerous people are big, strong men. Can he overpower AM? Duh. Her size isn't what makes her dangerous. She is well trained and I have seen her in action, she is fierce. But for this guy, she is doubly dangerous. His assumptions about what makes up a Threat define his reality. If he meets an AM on a bad day she will have the advantage. Dead man walking.

We all have assumptions and biases about reality and how "things are supposed to be".  If you disagree with that, then your assumptions are already running you. You are a Zombie-in-training.

slipping the leash

Teaching self-defense means training behaviors good people have been trained to avoid. From the moment of your birth you have been trained to play nice.

"Don't bite your sister"
"Don't hit - use your words"
"Share your toys"
"Don't look at Tommy's math paper, do your own work"
"Go to school/work/etc."
"Be a good sport"

You all have these. If you parent, the ones you heard as a kid come out of your mouth and maybe you have created your own - interrupting shitty family traditions that just should not be passed along. I recognize this is an assumption and I'm pretty confident that if you are beating your kids or telling them they are stupid little shits, you are probably not reading this. Anyway, moving on.

People well socialized to standard western social constructs are shocked, angry, saddened and offended at the recent attack in Orlando, Florida. It's wrong. It's heinous even. The Threat completely slipped our leash. Our being key, he was doing what he thought was right....different socialization.

Take away the AR and it's capacity to take out dozens of people in one fell swoop* - his actions aren't a whole lot different than what we teach when we teach people to defend themselves. Teaching self-defense is teaching people to slip the leash.

In class last night we worked on defenses against getting stabbed. We trained getting away - disengaging as safely as the situation allows and that includes causing as much damage to the Threat as possible (and is necessary). MR is a 5'0 foot, 100 pound woman. Last night she was up against a 6'3 230 pound attacker, she's going to have play dirty. He can out reach her, out run her, out maneuver her just by his size. If she "assists" him in accidentally stabbing himself, her chances of getting away go up.

If the Target is about the same size, then "giving the knife back" is not self-defense - it's criminal. But for MR? It may be her best way out. I am asking her to slip the leash. Inviting her to get familiar with wounding another human being.  Like our friend with the AR down in Florida, I am asking her to practice behavior our culture punishes.

Violence is violence. It's a tool and we use it because it works. Need to hang a picture? Get a hammer. Need to disable someone? Get violent. Getting a grip on the Orlandos, the San Bernadinos, means getting over ourselves. Stop the Violence! Good luck with that.

Be horrified over Orlando. Be sad. Grieve or be angry. Stop being offended, save your outrage for something else. Instead of being offended - be curious. Curiosity opens up possibility. If you want to do something about terror attacks in your own backyard,  and you choose offended outrage as your response, get this: offense shuts off intelligence.  Stupid, outraged humans are chaotic tantrumming 3 year old's in a big body. If this is you, you are part of the problem, not the solution.

*the AR can't do that by itself, it needs a human.